Subway, ride fresh.

So, first off, this happened on the L train:

A quick recap by way of keywords (because I know all you kids hate reading): Fat Mom, Subway Seat Refusal, Mace, “Where the Baby?”, Fight. Done deal. Another instant internet classic brought to you by the folks at Mostly Toasty.

But this got me thinking about the proper rules and codes of conduct in any mass transit situation. There needs to be a freaking manual titled: “How to not ride the Subway like a retard” printed out and given to every mouth-breathing mongoloid that I share a train with every day.

Here are 5 absolutely crucial rules that I’ve come up with, as a jumping off point:

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1.) You should give your seat to very old and young, injured, or pregnant people, and that’s it.
The lady in the above video wanted a seat solely because she shot something out of her vagine. The kid’s sitting down, so I’m with the lady in white: go fuck yourself. As for the whole “chivalry” nonsense, I’m all for holding doors and whatnot but listen ladies, equality is equality. Do you want a seat, or do you want rights? Enough of this having your cake, so to speak.

2.) Wait until everyone that is getting off the train has exited, before you try and enter.
Oh man, these people kill me. Whats the motivation here? You know who is the worst offender of this? Little Asian ladies, hands down. Listen toots, whatever disgusting thing that you purchased in your specialty store on Canal St isn’t going to dry out any more, settle down and be courteous to your fellow human beings. Jeez, didn’t these people invent the practice of meditation?

3.) Wait until the train has stopped to position yourself by the door.
Similar idea. Are you afraid that that you will miss your stop? I’m sorry, but if I’m standing up, reading, I like to have a hand on something that will keep me from stumbling onto other passengers when the train stops, so no, I won’t move my arm for you.

4.) If the train is crowded, move all the way in.
Morning trains are always the worst for this. Some sassy fat bitch parks her ass right by a subway pole, and refuses to move. Thus creating a logjam at the door that she’s closest to. Stop doing this.

5.) If you don’t have headphones, don’t play music.
If I see one more Boost Mobile subscriber playing their latest crappy mixtape out loud through their cell phone, I’m going to freak out. Although, I did bond with an older gentleman over the prodigious 36 Chambers-era Wu Tang Videos. (Me: They were so good. Him: Right?)

Anyway, this is just the beginning. What else am I missing?

You’re welcome MTA patrons.

6.) Don’t stand in front of doors on the side where they open.
This one is pretty self explanatory. Who wants to squeeze by someone to get on or off the train? It disrupts the flow. On crowded trains, this cannot always be avoided, but when I see people doing it on empty trains, it’s really annoying. Move 5 ft and make everyone’s life better.

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